Funny things

[G-CPTN]

Danish truck drivers wear wooden-soled 'clogs' (træsko):-
http://www.soeren-p-sko.dk/billeder/...raesko-002.jpg
(too big to embed . . .)

(or the modern version):-
http://www.jnf.dk/uploads/images/29.gif

[billyboy]

Road signs???
Heard about the driver who broke down near Ilford? starting to get dark, He phoned for the fitter to come get him going again. When asked of his location he replied "Dangerslow"
It was hours before the fitter eventually found him. Whilst on the phone he looked from the phone box and saw a temporary sign that said Danger Slow
Needless to sat the fitter was not best pleaseed

[G-CPTN]

A similar story involved two revellers travelling home by train after a night out. Anxious not to miss their stop, one of them scanned the platform as they drew into the station. Catching site of the nameplate he announced to his colleague that thy had arrived in Cheltenham (not their destination) so they relaxed and continued to the next station.
Looking out the observer read the sign and again he announced that they had reached . . . Cheltenham. Thinking that there may be two stations serving a city as large as Cheltenham they relaxed and carried on.
When the next station turned out to be Cheltenham again his mate insisted that he would read the next station sign, only to come up with Cheltenham again. At this stage they became concerned as they hadn't noticed the train changing direction, so they decided to ask another passenger to assist them and together they looked at the signs. The stranger said it was Bromsgrove.
"But that sign says Cheltenham!" said the traveller guy.
"No," says the other passenger, "That sign says 'Gentleman' . . . "

[Energumen]

Hey Group Captain, that one was a crapper, it's the way you tell'em. Ha ha

Regards
Energumen

[billyboy]

I had a conductor with me at one time who was a bit of a card. we stopped at Rottingdean to load passengers. One lady was wearing a pencil tight skirt and couldnt get her foot high enough to get on to the platform. this conductor said "wait a minute madam" and wound the destination blind handle a few turns. the lady was then able to mount the bus. She thanked him very much. He kept a straight face and replied "My pleasure madam"
I often wondered how many conductors this lady asked to lower the step for her since then...LOL

[G-CPTN]

Visions of Cardew Robinson (wasn't he in On the Buses?)

Sorry, that was Bob Grant . . .

[Energumen]

Hi folks, you have got me started now, Billyboy, I know will remember that the coast road through Telscombe Cliffs, Peacehaven Etc., fronted what was known as Bungalow Town, a major Dormitory for London Business Commuters, who, almost without exception sported ; the bowler, pin stripe suit, smart collar and tie, briefcase and most importantly, the rolled umbrella. The mode of transport in those days, Southdown to Brighton Station and train to The City.

We all know the score, no excuse for running early, but try as you might, sometimes, you could not help but be a bit late. Well these Egotistical little people, with their overwhelming self agrandiesement, (check my spelling on that), would to a man and like a clockwork army, swing their watch bearing arm, in a military style, 'longest way up', study their watch face and shake their heads from side to side, like Mothers reproaching a naughty child, you could just imagine the accompanying tut tut. Some then would put one foot on the platform and one hand on the hand rail whilst they berated you and delayed you even further, this was their way of demonstrating their superiority over uniformed staff giving a public service and effectively defying you to move until their little opera was played out.

Well I had done the early through to Eastbourne and would have virtually a standing load, from about rottingdean to The Steine and Station.

Then it happened, the Swing Bridge at Newhaven Harbour opens.
Twenty minutes down and outside my control. Get into Peacehaven, all the troops are presenting watches and shaking their heads like poodles fresh out of the bath and I am getting more and more roused. I spot one of the troops, running, he is roughly mid way between stops, I feel pity, he probably thought he had missed us and was going to go to Saltdean and catch a town bus. I stop and open the doors, totally illegal and against company rules.

The right hand clamps on the hand rail, the left foot on the platform, the watch arm comes smartly to the salute position and the mouth starts working.

Now despite being late through no fault of mine, I am really doing my best to claw a bit back to help these cretins and having broken the law for this clown, he was now talking to me like shush, accusing me of being ten minutes early, saying he was holding me there for ten minutes, and would have my job, when he got into Brighton. Now the conductors under these type of circumstances, used to watch to see if my butt started to lift from my seat, and this time it shot up.

"Whoa whoa, sit down mate, the passengers are my responsibility, I promise I will deal with this", the conductor was a nice old boy and I did not intend upsetting him so I sat down.

"Excuse me Sir", he says "I think you dropped something in the road as you stepped toward the bus". The cretin releases the handle, steps off the platform and starts looking in the gutter. "Whilst you are looking sir, I would just explain we were not ten minutes early but twenty minutes late and had we been on time, you would not have caught us, and neither shall you now". With that he tapped my back glass with a two bob bit and I closed the door and left him there.

The bus was in absolute uproar, no not anger, fits of laughter from his comrades in arms.

That clever old conductor saved the young blood that time, but there would be others.

The complaint went in, but two other soldiers had already spoken to the inspector and it went no further.

Energumen

[Ian]

When I was coaching out of Manchester, I picked up my work sheet for the next day, Granada Television Studios Manchester to a large park the other side of Leeds can't remember the name of it now. I was taking "extras" from the Manchester area over to Yorkshire for the filming of "Emmerdale" (for overseas readers Emmerdale was at the time a 3 times weekly TV 'soap') On getting home, as we were having our evening meal my wife asked me "where are you going tomorrow, I told her she then asked "do you want sandwiches? Having done film work before I replied " No, its TV work I'll get fed there" then adding "I might even have lunch with Claire King" (O/S readers Claire King was one of the Stars of the soap. She was about 30 and Blond) my wife's reply "I DON'T THINK SO!!"
On arrival at the park they were filming an "Easter Parade/Fair" There were Police, Fire Brigade, Army, The Official Emmerdale Fan Club, Fair-ground rides,side shows, in fact every man and his dog were there!!
At lunch time all the actors were signing Autographs for all and sundry..........so with diary in hand I approached the afore mentioned Sexy Claire King, requesting her autograph she asked "Who is it for"" for me" I replied and asked could you thank me for lunch so she wrote "To Ian thank you for lunch,Love Claire King " ...........well stone me I didn't get sandwiches for a bloody month


Cheers
Ian

[G-CPTN]

Foxy woman that Claire King . . .

[billyboy]

Ha ha ha...Remember the briefcase brigade well. Bus crammed full like sardines in a can. Right foot to the floor trying to beat the clock. Only takes a few minutes to get to the station from old stein. Conductor had no chance of getting all the fares in with that crowd around him. so he held his hat ouit at the station and they all threw their money in without waiting for a ticket.
The conductor then counted it up (deducted for 2 mugs of tea at pool valley on our return) and rolled of a ticket to value of the ballance. In full view of the passengers remaiing for the ride up to 7 dials. Happy days eh1
When arriving at pool valley the checker would be waiting. the conductor called out the duty number (ie: S16) follwed by the drivers surname follwed by his own surname.
When Mr Chalk had Mr Cheese for a conductor it always raised a smile.
When parked in the stand at pool valley. a lady waiting for a #31 service to portsmouth asked "how long will the 31 be ?" ... "about 38 feet madam" came the reply.
Oh really she replied...(will that one have a S***house on it too") .... Conductor silenced on the spot...LOL